I don't generally post "rants" on this site. I try and remain positive whenever at all possible. After all, there is already far too much anger and negativity in the world. I am a happy person, and I like my attitude to reflect this. However...There is one thing that will cause me to lose my shit every single time. One thing that will have my claws coming out, causing me to be ready to attack. That one thing is messing with my kids. We all know that Mothers try and protect their children from everything possible, whether it be the stranger offering them candy or bullies on the playground. But what happens when that bully comes in the form of a parent? Then it becomes a little tricky. You see, I got married way too young to a man who ended up being an abusive tyrant. I won't go into specifics here, as it really doesn't matter. I am away from him and have remarried to a wonderful man who is a great husband and amazing father. The ONLY good thing that came out of my first marriage was my 12 year old son. As many of you know, we're moving to Ohio this summer. There is a ton of family there, and my husband has been offered a fantastic job opportunity. Not to mention, the prices of homes are far less than they are here. My 12 year old is very excited about the move, and can't wait to get a fresh start in a better area. Initially, my ex agreed that this was fine and he would not object to it. Initially...God forbid this man, and I use that term loosely,make anything easy. For the past few weeks, my ex has changed his tune dramatically, and is emotionally and mentally tormenting my child. He sits him down and interrogates him relentlessly, making him answer the same questions over and over again. He refuses to believe that my 12 year old child could possibly have his own opinions and desires, and keeps insisting that my husband and I are trying to influence him. (Which is not at all the case. We have told our son that he is free to make his own choices about who he lives with and where, and that his opinion matters.) My ex-husband is telling my child that we're all causing him to be "crapped on", and that Kyle is wrong for legitimately wanting to move. These are NOT things you say to a child. A child is not a pawn. You don't try and guilt a child for expressing their feelings, even if you don't agree with them. This, in my opinion, is a major parenting FAIL. He even stares at him and makes him very uncomfortable. I am sure you're all familiar with Luka Magnotta, the cannibal murderer in Canada? If you've noticed, he has a cold, icy, "dead" looking gaze....Like he is soulless and there's nothing even remotely human behind his eyes. Well, that's exactly the stare my ex has. My son feels very uneasy, and even frightened, when his Dad stares at him like that. The past few times my son has gone to his Dad's for the weekend, he has snuck away and called us, often in tears, telling us how he is being treated. He expresses that he is upset that his Dad won't listen to him, and that he is trying to manipulate him. I am tired of my son always being upset. I am tired of seeing him cry and hearing him protest his visits with his father. He has even begged us to make his dad sign his rights over and let Dan, my husband, adopt him. My ex has major control issues, and of course would never allow this to happen, even if it would be in my son's best interest overall. For a long time, my son had a "Countdown to 12" going, as 12 years old is when a judge gives real weight to a child's desires and kids can often make choices about whether or not they would like to continue seeing a non-custodial parent. 12 has come, and my son STILL rarely really wants to see his Dad. We encourage him to, anyway. We tell him it's okay to love his Dad, and that he should go and have a good time. (Which almost never happens.) What I am having a hard time understanding is why my douche-bag ex would give his blessing on our move one moment, and then when we actually set plans in motion, begin emotionally and mentally tormenting his own child. We have offered to fly or drive my son back to VA on our own dime to see his father. We are reasonable people here, and have always been more than cooperative with this man. You would think a parent would actually listen to their child. You would think a parent would be supportive of their child's desires and needs. You would think a parent would understand that a child of 12 is quite capable of forming their own opinions and that these opinions matter. But no...My psycho ex husband is doing nothing more than pushing his child away. Am I wrong to think that using interrogation and intimidation tactics on a 12 year old child is completely unacceptable? Should my child be put through this emotional and mental torment every time he sees his father? Unfortunately, there is nothing I can really do about it. I am still very much afraid of this man, so my husband has graciously offered to deal with him in my place when discussing our plans to move. You see, like most men of his character, my ex won't bully another man...He reserves that for women and children.
7 Comments
I'm sorry you and your son are having to go through this. I have to deal with similar things from my ex. He was not abusive, but he wasn't very ethical. He cleaned out my bank account, the boys savings account, and stole guns from his employer. Due to other things in his past, I have full custody. He has been in and out of my boys lives for 12 years now. He just recently came back in March, and just got fired from his job so he wouldn't have to pay child support...not that $48 per kid does much, but it's something! Now he's moving 3 hours away again, to be close to his wives grown children, instead of the 13 & 12 year olds who want him. They call their stepdad "Daddy" and my ex by his first name. I hope things get better fr your son once you move! Maybe since he won't see him as often, your son can relax.
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I am so sorry to hear that you and your son are going through this. It is completely unfair to you both. I have been in a similar situation with my ex. My daughter is 5 and her dad is constantly belittling her and talking down about me and my fiance to her. She is always upset when she comes home from his house, and it takes days for us to get our routine back to normal. My ex is the same way with me -- if I am home alone when he drops her off or picks her up he is rude and condescending when he talks to me. If my fiance is here, he wont say a word. I would love to move out of state - but he would fight me tooth and nail over it and I know that the emotional beating he would give my daughter would be terrible. He often tells her that she lies and doesn't believe that she has her own thoughts and opinions. He also seems to like to try to pit her against me -- which I don't understand at all. The worst part about it is that I try to make everything as easy as possible for all of us. I am agreeable and try to work around his schedule, etc. And he is just rude and rotten to someone that loves him. I just don't get it. Hope that things get easy for your son, and that the move brings you all the relief and calm that you need.
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Marianne
6/23/2012 10:52:20 pm
I'm so sorry your son is going through this. My father and stepmother did the same to me when I was 9-10. I would call them 'sit down talk tos'. It ended when I was trying to negotiate Christmas with my dad on the phone and my stepmother came on and started screaming at me. I couldn't get a word in so I hung up. What else could I do at 10? I didn't hear from my dad again for almost 3 years. I still have difficulty dealing with confrontation as a result of those episodes. Thankfully therapy and the support of my parents (mom and stepdad) helped me and gave me good role models of a great marriage. That I could and can talk to my mother about my father is a gift, and has helped me work out my feelings and relationship with him as an adult. I've learned to see that his actions are more about him and how he was treated as a child than about me, though it still hurts to be abandoned and to have been so hurt by my father. I have a son and to even think about doing something to hurt him makes me ill.
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Sorry you and your son is going through this. I have been there, years ago. Luckily, he is no longer in my daughter's life and it has been the best thing. Sometimes I think about how things would be different if he still saw her...never a good scenario is a result :-(
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I'm sorry that you and your son has to go through this..a bully comes in all shapes and sizes and I think you are doing the best thing to move away from him..it's bad enough when kids bully other kids but when it's a parent doing the bullying that is just wrong!!!! A parent should always be there for their kids and always shelter and love and protect them and the kid should never ever feel afraid of the parent. Again, so sorry that you are going through this.
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I'm Brandy, a happily married, proud Mom of 3 amazing kids. If you're interested in building a working relationship, please feel free to e-mail me at: NewlyCrunchyMamaOf3@gmail.com Links We Love :Archives
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