Sophie actually started out as a twin. We saw 2 babies in my first ultrasound. When we went and got another, about 5 weeks later, there was one baby remaining. She was our miracle baby, and what we had waited so long for. My pregnancy was difficult. I was high risk and put on modified bedrest for almost the entire pregnancy. We ended up having Sophie on New Year's Eve, via scheduled C-section, and she was the most beautiful little blessing I had ever seen. All 6lbs 5oz of her! Yes, she was a tiny little thing!
3 months later, we found out we were pregnant AGAIN. I didn't plan on this, and I didn't think it could even happen. After all, I had PCOS and it took YEARS to conceive before! Not to mention, I was still lactating! I never even had a period between these two pregnancies! But sure enough, we were pregnant again. We welcomed Xander into the world in January of 2011, via another C-section.
While I was on the table having my second C-section in 12 months, I was asked this question: "Do you want me to give you a Tubal-Ligation?" I asked, "Is my baby okay?" When they indicated he seemed perfectly healthy, I made the decision that would change my life...I let them do it. I had my tubes tied, cut, and burned. This is a decision I have grown to regret. Do I want more kids? Not necessarily. I can't even afford another child right now. But as I see other women have babies, I feel a little twinge of envy. And worse, when I hear heartbreaking stories about babies who die from illnesses, I feel panic. Did I do the right thing? What if something unthinkable happened to any of my kids, God forbid?
I WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER BABY. This is a cold, hard fact....And it plagues me. I don't have any intention of having another baby...Not any time in the foreseeable future, at least. Three kids is enough for me. I think it's just the knowledge that I CAN'T that gets me. Is this really a decision that should be made by a half-crazed woman who spent the better part of 2 years pregnant and/or recovering from a c-section? At the time I made the decision, I was just DONE. I had been pregnant, TWICE, with very difficult pregnancies and no time to recover in between them. I wasn't thinking about the future. I was thinking about simply being DONE with pregnancy.
Now, since my tubal ligation, I have had awful side effects. My PMS is brutal and each month the bleeding is horrific. MUCH worse than I had ever experienced before. My hormones still feel out of whack, and I just don't feel "right". I highly suspect it's due to the tubal. I find myself seriously questioning whether or not I made the right decision?