In light of the tragedy that happened to Christine at Adventures of a Thrifty Mama, a blogger I did not know personally, I feel like I have to open up and share the fact that I, too, was the victim of domestic violence. Why? Well, because if more women opened up and talked about this all too common subject, maybe more women will seek help when they feel the most helpless. If they know they're not alone, perhaps the lives of more women and children can be saved. When I heard about Christine and her son's murder, I immediately started crying and had a sinking feeling....And I knew this could have been me if I didn't get out, once and for all. It could have been ANY woman. And it needs to stop. Domestic Violence needs to end now, and women need to find the courage to speak up.
This is not something I talk about often....It's a chapter of my life that has long been closed. Almost like a hazy, distant nightmare that happened to someone else...A weak woman....A woman who was terrified every single day of her life...A woman with no voice. I like to refer to this period as "the life I never lived". The scared girl who was married to an abusive tyrant couldn't have been ME, after all. At least not the woman I am today. But while it is still taboo to talk about domestic violence, I have to admit, it DID happen to me. I DID live it. My life, for years, was spent in absolute terror. Many years ago, when I was a mere child, I was in an abusive relationship. I married a man who was a bit older, and I thought I was "grown" enough to make good decisions for myself. I had a pretty rough childhood, and I would have done anything to escape living surrounded by the addiction in my home. So getting married, even though I had absolutely no business doing so, just made sense to my teenage mind. Well, it didn't take long for my Happily Ever After to be shattered. The man who seemed like this "nice, charming guy" began showing his true colors. The abuse began as verbal and emotional abuse. (Which is just as damaging if not more so than the physical kind.) He told me daily how worthless I was...That I was ugly....That I couldn't do anything right...That I would never, ever amount to anything. I wasn't allowed to have friends, male or female, because that HAD to mean I MUST be cheating. To talk to anyone at all, I had to sneak behind his back, which I hated. He made me constantly feel guilty for things I wasn't doing, and I would get "punished" for nothing more than being female. At least I think that's what it was...I cannot even begin to try and analyze his behavior, because looking back, none of it made any sense. It was almost like he wanted to invent reasons to treat me badly. I don't think I could have avoided it, no matter how "perfect" I was. I also had no control over the money I earned, as I had to surrender all paychecks to my ex. As a woman, I couldn't POSSIBLY be able to manage money, after all. (Note sarcasm there.) I had absolutely zero control over anything in my life. It wasn't long before the abuse turned physical. I am not going to relive all of the horrifying details, but I have been beaten, choked almost to the point of unconsciousness and saved by the family dog biting him, held hostage at gunpoint, and even forced to do things sexually that I did not want to. Sadly, my oldest child still has memories of his mom being assaulted. He remembers so much, and he was only a toddler when he witnessed these things. And he remembers details that are shocking to me. This absolutely kills me, since no child should have to witness anything like this, ever. Leaving was a process that, due to my defeated mindset, isolation and always being scared, was a process that took years. I was not strong enough to leave when the abuse first started. Soon after, I was pregnant with my oldest child. I felt trapped in a living Hell, and it took ultimately fearing for my son to finally rise above my own fear and end it for good. This took years. YEARS. And it was the scariest thing I had ever done. When you're basically brain-washed to believe an abuser's lies, you don't have a lot of confidence in the world or in yourself. They make you believe that without them, you are nothing. Like I said, I am not going into much detail here. I am not here to bash my ex. He made his bed, and he has to live with that every day. I have moved on. I have been re-married to an amazing man who treats me like gold for almost 6 years. He treats my son like his own, and NEVER calls Kyle his step-son. Only his son. We have added 2 more beautiful children to our family. We're very happy, and life is good. But still, even though I have moved on, I am still affected deeply by the years of abuse I endured. I have major social anxiety and find it hard to believe that anyone would ever like me. I suffered for years from an eating disorder, because I still heard HIS voice telling me I was worthless and would never be good enough. I am still afraid of the ex, too. I think I always will be, on some level. Being in a different state has lessened that some, but the fear is definitely still very present. Why am I telling you this? I am not entirely sure, to be honest. This is ancient history in a lot of ways. But I know first-hand that when a woman is being abused, she often feels alone...Helpless....Leaving isn't an easy thing to do, but it is the BEST thing to do....If anyone out there is being abused, whether it be physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually, there IS help available. You CAN escape, no matter what your abuser tells you. If you need to talk, even anonymously, please know I am here to listen or help you find resources. You don't have to go through this alone. There are people who want to help. In the meantime, please pray for the family and remaining children of Christine Keith. This is another sad story of how domestic violence can escalate to the unthinkable. It's tragic and sad, and I would hate to see anything like this happen to any other woman or child. Please, if you're a victim of abuse, speak out. Find your voice. Be heard. People are listening. You're not alone. If I could get out, anyone can.
4 Comments
Erica
12/7/2013 01:25:07 am
Check out my friend's blog about domestic violence... http://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/ Sharing these stories is what will help prevent domestic violence in the future. Silence enables the assholes to continue doing what they are doing. Thanks for sharing your story.
Reply
Brandy
12/7/2013 01:34:36 am
Exactly, Erica. That's exactly why I shared my story, or at least pieces of it....Women should never feel ashamed. Too often, these men and their actions are protected because a woman is scared. I am guilty of protecting my abuser in the past, too. I hope that Christine's story gives other women the courage to speak out against domestic violence and help remove some of the stigma associated with it.
Reply
april yedinak
12/8/2013 03:53:34 am
I think it is important to share these stories, because so many women feel trapped, lonely, weak and judged. And they are judged. I don't know how many times I have heard people say over the years something along the lines of 'if she doesn't leave, she deserves it.' But, I know firsthand how domestic abuse can happen. How someone that was independent and spirited can be broken. I married my high school 'sweetheart' of 6 years when I was 19. There was never any sign of the monster he would become. It started small, comments about my weight and appearance and trying to turn me against everyone else in my life (so that later I would have no one to turn to). The first time he hit me during a fight, he acted so contrite and begged for forgiveness. This lead to 2 years of the same thing. When I finally tried to get rid of him and toss him out, he broke my arm and promised to kill me or anyone that tried to help me. That was the part that gave me pause, I didn't want to be responsible for anyone else getting hurt. Then, the violence really escalated to the point where he would follow me around the house with loaded guns pointed at my head and promise to kill me if I ever left and anyone who helped me, too. I saw something on the news one day about a woman who unfortunately was murdered by her abuser, but a domestic violence counselor said something that stuck with me- make an escape plan. When you are ready and able to go, make sure you can stay gone. I made my escape plan and never looked back. I just want to say to any person suffering from domestic violence that I understand. I understand why you feel you can't leave and I don't think you are stupid or weak. Make an escape plan and use it as soon as you can.
Reply
I think it's awesome that you shared your story...it can be so hard bringing it all up again, but at the same time, it should be talked about because there are so many women out there trapped and not knowing what to do. I grew up seeing my Dad abuse my Mom...I had a horrible childhood! I ended up marrying an abusive man, but I escaped 28 yrs. ago with my then 2 yr. old son. I swore that my son was not going to grow up like I did and I was going to break the awful abusive cycle. I made a plan and kept it secret...I got a part time job and secretly started saving money. It took me 6 months, but my plan worked. When I got close to my money saving goal, I secretly started packing a suitcase for me and my son. When the day came that I felt brave enough to leave, I waited till my husband left for work, then I frantically grabbed the packed suitcase, my $600 secret stash, my 2 yr. old son, took a cab to the bus station and never looked back. It took 3 days on a bus to get to my destination, and it was and always will be the best thing I did for my son and for myself. My son is 30 now and has a huge respect for women.....he even made me a Grandmother this past August. I'm married to a sweet and loving man that adores me and calls my son his son too.....never says stepson either. Those terrible abusive years seem so long ago now, but they will always be with me. Like you, I have social anxiety and I don't trust people. I don't even get on an elevator with a strange man! But breaking away from it all made me strong and proved to myself that I do matter and even though leaving was scary, it was the best thing I ever did. For those women out there being abused in any way, please know that you can leave...you have a choice for a better and much happier life. Believe in yourself and know you are not alone. You CAN do it!
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
PR Friendly Mama!
I'm Brandy, a happily married, proud Mom of 3 amazing kids. If you're interested in building a working relationship, please feel free to e-mail me at: NewlyCrunchyMamaOf3@gmail.com Links We Love :Archives
June 2023
|