New You 2011!

Okay, so since I have had 2 pregnancies in the past 2 years and have a husband that can devour entire pies, boxes of cereal, gallons of ice cream, etc without ever gaining a single ounce, I was pretty psyched to find this weekly blog link-up for ladies (and men) who are looking for some weight-loss support and maybe a personal cheerleader or 2! Click the above button to be redirected and link-up, too!

Anyway....Here's the nitty-gritty...The icky required weekly stats:
- Weight Goal:
120 lbs

- Last week's weight:
I pretty much obsessively weigh myself, so although I was not a member of this "hop" last week, I can, in fact, answer this....A whopping 150 lbs...Yeah, I feel like cattle.

- This week's weight:
147.2  Not too happy with this number. But I suppose for a month post-partum and the fact that I do not have an itty-bitty bird frame, it's not TOO bad...

- And tell us about what you are doing to reach your goals/how your week has been/ any setbacks, etc?!

Wow. I truly wish I could skip answering this question, but that wouldn't be fair to the other participants. If everyone else is putting themselves out there and being honest, I probably should, too. Even if it's awkward or painful for me, or hard to admit to the myself, let alone the world. I guess my situation is different than most. I am going through something very difficult to cope with, and from what I have read and been told, it will never get any better if I hide behind secrecy. Secrecy is my enemy, as far as this goes, and it is NOT helping me recover. I *thought* I could do it on my own, but I must admit, I can't. And there shouldn't be any shame in that. So here it goes...(deep breath) I have an eating disorder. Full-blown. (Wow, that way hard to just throw out here.) I have actually been struggling with it for awhile. When I got pregnant with Xander, I made myself stop the destructive behavior. I did well throughout my pregnancy, although I was still "scale-obsessed" and freaked out when I gained weight. I only gained 10-15lbs throughout my entire pregnancy, but even that small amount made me feel pretty worthless. So while I had every intention of not going back and relapsing, I just couldn't do it. Shortly after my son was born, I fell right back into a pattern of destruction.

I have major self-esteem issues that go back to childhood. I have always been just a little bit chubby. I developed faster and earlier than other girls. I had curves. I have been insecure as long as I can recall. I also suffered through an abusive marriage which absolutely destroyed my self-esteem. Although I am no longer in that situation, and haven't been in years, I still have that little voice in my head that says "You're just not good enough." I have been put down for my weight, and every time that has happened, it has emotionally scarred me. It took me right back to a very lonely place. I wanted to somehow make myself "good enough" and nothing was working. Plus, I have PCOS a disorder that makes it very difficult to lose weight through diet and exercise.

So after my daughter was born, and I was at 185lbs (my highest weight) I made the decision to "try" something. I thought it would just be a "quick fix" and that I would be able to lose weight and then magically be able to stop. It hasn't worked out that way. Yes, I lost a LOT of weight, and I lost it fast. Right now, at 147lbs, I am smaller than I was at 13. So to answer this week's post question, right NOW is when I was at my "happy weight". Although it's not quite happy enough yet!

I feel really bad that I have allowed this disorder to take ahold of me again. I thought I had beaten it. I am ashamed. I feel awful that I could not resist the urges. My husband didn't even know until a couple of days ago that this was still a problem. I ended up breaking down and confessing to him after experiencing a frightening episode where my arms and legs went numb and I was very light-headed. I thought I was going to collapse. I was literally terrified. So I broke down. I cried. And I talked....and talked...and talked.... My husband really had no idea this was happening again. The thing about having an eating disorder is that much of it is hidden behind a cloak of secrecy. But I have come to the realization that privacy and secrecy are my worst enemy, and that I need to "come out" and find someone to talk to. I want to recover. I want to learn healthier ways to lose weight that don't put my well-being at risk. I deserve that, and my kids deserve a healthy, happy mother.

So that's why I decided to join. I still want to lose weight, and I need help and support in finding a healthy way to do it. I need to re-train my thought processes. It's hard to do when you feel alone. So maybe, if I haven't completely scared everyone away with my honesty, I can meet other moms who are trying to get healthy and maybe I can learn how to take better care of myself through their examples. I know, TMI, but honesty is the best policy, right?