So I have been contemplating the whole New Year's Resolution tradition pretty seriously over the past several weeks. I normally don't "do" resolutions. To me, they have always given me something else to fail at. For some reason, this year seems different. Perhaps it's because I just turned 30 over the summer, or maybe it's because I have added 2 more beautiful children to the mix over the past 2 years. (That's right...back to back pregnancies!) Whatever the reason for this sudden change, I don't know...Something in my life just feels different. Like a new chapter. I want to be done with the old and ring in the new and leave all of the pain and disappointments in my past behind, once and for all.
This year, I have decided to take care of ME, for the first time in my life. No, scratch that...I have decided to actually LOVE myself, despite my flaws. This may come as second nature to many of you, and for that I am truly envious. You see, I cannot remember a single moment in my life that I ever felt "good enough."
I have always been my own worst critic, and have always compared myself to everyone else under the sun. This is NOT a healthy behavior, and it's not one I want to continue. It has actually hurt me in many, many ways in the past, as well as in the present. I dated guys who weren't good for me and even married an abusive prick, all because my self-esteem was seriously lacking and I just wanted someone to love me. I stayed with an abusive man for almost a decade because I didn't feel I deserved better. Even though I have re-married and my current hubby is wonderful, I have to say, when you're told how fat, ugly, and worthless you are every day of your life for YEARS, it is so easy to start believing it yourself. Trust me, I know from personal experience. I allowed another person to hurt me, physically and emotionally, and while I have been away from this horrid person for years, there are still things I need to get over. It's hard when you still hear their voice in your head telling you you're nothing and that no one will ever love you. That kind of brainwashing makes it hard to love yourself.
Truthfully, that relationship and the damage done within it have continued to affect me. I am painfully shy, and it's very hard for me to meet new people. I have a hard time talking to new people because I fear they won't like me. This, in my rational mind, is silly. I KNOW I am a nice person and am a very loyal and giving friend. I would do anything for those I care about, and have gotten taken advantage of more than a couple times because I am simply "too nice." But still, I fear that I am never going to fit in, so I tend to "hide silently in the corner", wishing I could come out of my shell without fear of rejection. I am actually a member of a few different blogging groups that are full of wonderful women, but I tend to keep to myself more often than not. I would love to form friendships with them, but I almost don't know HOW. This is also true in "real life." We have certain friends that I am horribly intimidated by, so I never pick up the phone and call them. I don't want to feel like I am bothering anyone, so I don't initiate any interaction. I want to have more close relationships, and that's one thing I want to focus on improving in 2012.
Another thing I want to change this year is my relationship with the mirror. To be totally honest, the mirror is my worst enemy...that and the scale. I was put down my entire life for being "chubby" or even "fat" and I cannot stand to look at myself. In the past 2 years, I have gone through 2 more pregnancies. We all know how unkind pregnancy can be to a woman's body. Things change. You never really go 100% back to a pre-pregnancy body. I accept that. I think the thing I feared most after having my babies was not being able to lose weight. Most of my teen and adult life was spent at a size 14-16. I am now a size 6. I went to very unhealthy measures to lose the weight though, and I wouldn't recommend my weight loss methods to my worst enemy. But still, even at a healthy 130lbs, I cannot stand looking in the mirror. My husband says my eyeballs are broken. But when I look at myself, I still feel ugly and horribly fat. In a world where size 0 is coveted, and the media promotes unhealthy body image, my own opinion of myself has suffered immensely. In 2012, I want to accept myself the way I am and truly believe I am good enough, just the way I am.
So basically, in 2012 I want to be kinder to myself. I want to learn to love myself as is and stop comparing myself to every single person on earth with a vagina and a pulse. I want to focus more on the kind of person I am rather than what size pants I wear. Jeans size does not determine worth as a human being. I want to learn that and really believe it. I also want to come out of my shell and allow myself to be close to others outside of my home. Sure, my husband and kids are wonderful, but I would love to have more friends to talk to. Quality friends. Not phony, fake people, but good, honest, and caring people that I can relate to. I don't know how this is going to pan out. This is actually a scary thing to embark on. Hopefully, this will be the year I change my life and learn to recognize my own worth, and hopefully make some friends along the way. Wish me luck!