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Dear Diary.....

​We're getting personal here!

Loneliness, Depression, and the SAHM Can Anyone Relate?

1/23/2015

9 Comments

 
Picture
See that chick with crazy, ombre looking hair? (Really, I just needed my roots done DESPERATELY,lol) That's me. I am 33 years old, happily married to a man I have known literally most of my life, and I have 3 absolutely wonderful children. I bought a great old house in my little Ohio hometown, which is the only place that has ever felt like home, and I did so in cash. (Hooray for no mortgage!) I have a ton of blessings, and I do not take them for granted. I am thankful every single day for all of the good things in my life. 

But.....

Lately, I have been in a funk, and not the Uptown kind. Of course if my Bruno wants to come sing me Uptown Funk, I am more than game....I absolutely adore that man. That is another post entirely, though. 

Wait. Who am I kidding? This is more than a funk. A funk is something found on my preschoolers' clothing, that can be washed away with a quick trip to the washing machine. A funk is usually blessedly temporary, however unpleasant it may be. 

I can't lie. This is no simple funk. My depression has come back, in full force, and has been emotionally and physically draining me for the past 6 months or so. I cry every single day, sometimes multiple times. I can't sleep worth a damn, and I have become even more introverted, if that's even possible. Just accomplishing simple things like cooking meals or cleaning the house has become incredibly difficult for me lately. I have literally zero motivation to do anything, really. I feel tired. Worn out. Sad. Worthless. Unwanted. Unappreciated. Ugly. And I don't know how to shake it. 

People ask me a lot, "Why are you depressed? What happened?"

Well, the answer to that isn't so simple. Nothing really happened, per-se. Other than stressing a bit more about money issues, things have been pretty routine. 

Routine. Hmm....Maybe that is the problem, exactly. Things have become entirely too routine. 

You see, although I technically have my "Happily Ever After", sometimes I'm not very happy at all. It's no one's fault. Life just happens, you know? 
I love my husband with all my heart. I couldn't picture ever being with anyone else. (Except for Bruno Mars, of course. But that doesn't count.) Before Sophie and Xander came along, we were all over each other. We went out and had fun together. We talked. We snuggled constantly. We were the literal picture of a happy couple. 

We're STILL a happy couple, but after having back to back babies, things change....These days, we spend so much time and energy worrying about the kids, the house, and our jobs, that there's very little time for romance. By the end of the day, we're both too exhausted for any "adult time", and when we can squeeze it in, it lasts about 30 seconds and is completely unfulfilling. It's no one's fault, and I am sure that as the kids grow and become a bit more independent, it will change... but the lack of intimacy, both physically and emotionally at times, leaves me feeling empty inside.

I hate to admit this, but sometimes I worry that maybe I'm just not attractive to him anymore. Maybe he just sees me as the "Mommy figure" who cares for his children rather than a desirable woman who is "doable". And it hurts. I know I could try to spice things up a bit by putting on make-up, actually doing something with my hair, and by ditching the yoga pants once in a blue moon. But honestly, when you're in the throes of depression, that's easier said than done. I worry that no matter what I do, it will go unnoticed, and that I won't be good enough. (That's a BIG struggle for me...Convincing myself that I am good enough. I think that's due to the fact that I was in a very abusive relationship for a decade, and when you hear daily how horrid you are, you eventually begin to believe it.) 

I know my husband loves me, don't get me wrong. He's not ever mean to me, and we get along just fine. He's my best friend, and I truly believe he's my soul mate, if such a thing exists. We just stay so busy with everyday life that there seems to be a bit of a disconnect. Rather than being a lovey-dovey couple, we're Mommy and Daddy. And that's okay. It's part of life, and I know a lot of couples go through the same thing. I just wish there were more of a balance between parenthood and romance. It's something we have to work on, I suppose.

The funny thing? Dan doesn't think there's an issue here. He is perfectly happy going to work, coming home, playing with the kids, zoning out to the TV, and then passing out. He sees the zoning as quality time, since I am on the couch with him. I, being a woman, would love some affection and attention. Just vegging constantly isn't my idea of quality time. After all, I am home alone with the kids all day long, and seeing him is the highlight of my day. I don't get intelligent, adult conversations. When he comes home and morphs into "Zombie Man", it's no fun for me. It's not his fault, and I don't blame him. I think that the routine has become...well...too routine. 

I think the combination of having pretty severe social anxiety and being a SAHM is also taking its toll on me. 

I am lonely. I feel isolated. Every day is like some strange version of Groundhog Day. Nothing happens. Nothing changes. I am simply going through the motions. 

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE being able to be home with my children. I enjoy being able to spend so much time with them, and I take great delight in watching them grow and learn new things. I wouldn't trade being home with them for a million dollars. Being a Mom is the most important thing I will ever do, and I want to do it right. I am very blessed to be able to be there all the time. 

But I can't help but feel that something is missing....

I don't really have any friends. Okay, that's not entirely true. I have a few good friends, but they live in other states and lead very busy lives. We don't really get the chance to connect outside of Facebook. The other 99% of my friends? Well, they live in my computer, so to speak. I have never heard most of their voices, and chances are, I will never get to meet most of them. While I value these relationships, they don't take the place of spending time with a person, or being able to call someone just to talk. There's a certain lack of intimacy in relationships that exist solely online, and it's close relationships I am craving. My family is amazing, but everyone needs friends outside of their home, too. 

Since we moved here to Ohio, it's been incredibly hard to meet people. My social anxiety paired with the fact that I work from home and am surrounded by small children all day makes it very difficult for me. I have a hard enough time reaching out to people I DO know, so the thought of seeking out new people is utterly terrifying for me. 

I do have one friend here. He was actually my babysitter when I was a kid, and his little brother was best friends with my little brother. He's a great guy, and Dan and I both love him, but it's not the same as having girlfriends to hang out with. I doubt he's going to want to go grab lunch or go get our hair done, haha. Plus, well....He's a guy. Out of respect for my marriage, I don't hang out with men unless Dan is there. Nothing would ever happen, of course, but it's just better that way, I think. Just like Dan doesn't go hanging out with other women. It's a respect thing, and it works for us. 


I guess that the constant loneliness, and the never-changing routine has been really affecting my overall mood. I love being a Mommy and a wife. I wouldn't want to change any of that. I just wish I had more to look forward to every day. 


I wish I had more.....More romance. More intimacy. More confidence. More friends. After awhile, feeling totally alone and isolated takes a very heavy toll on a person, and it's incredibly hard to move past it. I am tired of the constant tears. I am tired of being sad and not being able to identify why. I am tired of being so exhausted that going upstairs to shower seems like a chore. 


I am going to try harder. I am going to truly work on my self-esteem and stepping outside of my comfort zone. It's funny....With social anxiety, I put myself in a bubble. My bubble is safe. It's familiar. It's comfortable. But there's a great big world outside of my bubble full of wonderful things, people, and experiences. If I can somehow force my way out of my own sadness, I hope to explore it one day. I hope to one day have a "bestie" that I can go out and spend time with. I hope to one day be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I hope that one day, I can feel like more than just a mom. 


Can anyone relate? Are any other SAHM's out there familiar with the loneliness, the routine, the emptiness? Or am I the only one who feels this way sometimes? I'd love any tips or ideas on how I can pull myself out of this seemingly endless abyss. 
9 Comments
susan crutcher
1/22/2015 05:30:31 pm

I too feel the same way & am in the same boat. I had 1 bff for 17 yrs & in december she decided to "cut ties" with me over something completely stupid. We will never make up, & after 17 yrs if it was that easy for her to cut ties, then she was obviously never a TRUE friend. I'm 31, just had my 1st baby last sept. I think i have some depression going on but i've always been an introvert. I have NO friends now (at all). My fiance is my bff now. But i need a girl friend or more than one. But i never get out to meet anyone, & i have trust issues with other chicks. (everybody in my small town sucks). I feel the EXACT same way you feel. The routine, unbelievable loneliness, never getting alone time with my fiance. My baby is VERY needy, (hes not happy unless hes being held) & he has really bad eczema which makes him VERY irritable everyday,all day. & It's even harder because my fiance has his guy friends he goes & hangs out with, while i get to set in this house all day, everyday. Everyday i just try to stay positive, i pray alot. There's not much more i can do. I always try to tell myself there are other ppl in the world that have it WAY worse than me.

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Shona link
1/22/2015 06:19:26 pm

Often, I feel this way as well, and hubby and I don't have kids (unless you count the dog and the hamster). I think that in most cases, we end up feeling this way because our day to day routines are so predictable...there is seldom time to do anything 'fun' anymore - especially when we are both freelancers. We both work odd hours to pay the bills and put food on the table. even something as simple as a bike ride has taken a back seat lately because so much needs to be paid for...

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Michelle
1/22/2015 07:44:16 pm

I feel the exact same way, except I only have one kid. This crappy Ohio weather isn't helping either. I love the snow, but this week we only try the house one to go to storytime, because the roads (or at least the one we live on, was so icy. I've met friends through a local mommy group, but am afraid to meet with them in real life. The few friends I have don't have kids, and don't understand that I have no desire to bring my 1 year old to a bar 20 minutes before bedtime.

You are not alone.

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Rosie link
1/22/2015 09:05:10 pm

I feel the same way in the friends department. We moved to Maryland, a year ago, while I was pregnant and I have had a really hard time motivating myself to get out of the house. I started trying harder this week by going to a baby and me class at the library. I also talked about my feelings with my husband, for the first time, which really seemed to help.

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amanda roberts
1/22/2015 09:57:23 pm

Im a stay at home mom too my kids are my life I live in Ohio also the cold weather depresses me I don't have time to myself always running kids to activities I can't even fit time in to get my hair done praying for spring to get here soon heard more snow coming Sunday we have a terrible driveway when it snows we are stuck until it melts I get so aggravated being stranded at home

Reply
Brooke Buttitta link
1/22/2015 10:07:12 pm

I certainly don't have all the answers, but I did find some ways to fight that feeling. Consider your family a tree. The trunk of that tree is you and your husband. The lives of the children and how they learn how to love someday come from watching that very important part at the center of the family.

After the first year living together, I figured out the little part of my makeup that my husband likes on me: eyeliner and foundation, and I forced myself at 4:30 every day to go put it on so I didn't look frumpy when he got home. After a while it didn't have to be forced anymore (it had become routine) and after a while I actually started to like makeup. I bought some super comfy cotton dresses to hang out with the kids in and some loose pretty tops to wear with my stretchy pants. Just as comfy as wearing PJs all day, but it showed him that I was trying to be attractive for him. He, in turn, makes sure to tell me how beautiful I am. After a couple of kids, that goes a looooong way toward making me feel worthwhile.

You'd never know from my videos and personality when you and I are in blogging groups, but I actually have no face-to-face friends. The closest thing I've ever had is some of the moms I met while volunteering in my son's classroom. I see one of them every once in a while in the Summer for our kids to play, but that's it. When I left my corporate job, they all disappeared with it. So you bloggy girls are so important to me. It's true that it's not the same as having a girlfriend you can go out with, but it feels good to end up having a friend you can trust and confide in (even if it's just online) about everything.

My husband and I are lucky enough that we occasionally play video games together or do puzzles to have time to really interact. We play with the kids when he gets home, but they go to bed at 8 (no exceptions) and that 3 hours we're awake afterward belong to each other only. It's nice to have a certain block of time every day where you give to the other person and they give their attention to you in return. I hope you find something to pull you out of this rut.

Reply
Anna
1/22/2015 10:49:51 pm

You sound exactly like I did after my 3rd. My husband and I instituted a mandatory Friday night date night when our youngest was just about 1. We have been doing it ever since for the last 3 years. Even if we don't feel like it or have been arguing, we still go, and it has made the difference for us. I seriously felt lost in diapers and tantrums, and needed my friend (my husband) back. Just a suggestion, try it to tonight :)

Reply
lost
1/23/2015 02:12:48 am

Im so glad to know im not alone..only one kid...no mate..no desire to date as showering might as well be as hard as climbing half dome......i feel sorry for my miracle i call my baby girl....i dobt even open curtains anymore.....one day i feel ill just dissapear and it will go unnoticed till a family member needs their hair done.....im so done i dont even care of my.spelling for lack of gramner skills.....i used to be amazing

Reply
amber
1/23/2015 03:14:25 pm

I use to be very social and now I just don't try due to not digging the mommy clicks and all the fake super mom bs. Being a parent is hard let alone a SAHM. I'm to tired to fake it and fix my hair and waste makeup just to pick my kid up from school. I would love to have friends and be more social if people could get past the competition of life and realize we are all fighting the same battles and help lift each other up rather than tearing them down. I will get off my rant and say you might benefit from getting a full thyroid check, not just your TSH that most doctors consider as testing the thyroid. My hair started falling out after baby #2 and things just went down hill, I lost interest in my craft, my former carrier as a stylist, things that brought me joy just didn't anymore. I love to crochet and most days just have no desire, these are the days I know my thyroid meds are not optimal. I hope that this might help someone to further push for a full thyroid panel and maybe find out what has been stealing your joy.

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