First, I'd like to apologize if my thoughts seem a bit scattered. This morning, I learned about Leelah Alcorn, a LGBT teen here in Ohio who chose to end her own life because her parents didn't accept her.
So I would like to share a coming out story of my own, and how being the mom of a gay child has changed my life for the better. This is my son, Kyle. He is about to turn 15, and is a Freshman in high school. He is kind, has loads of friends, and is incredibly creative. Seriously. This kid has some serious artistic talent. (It must have skipped a generation, since I can't even draw aesthetically pleasing stick figures!) Kyle gets good grades, is very involved in school activities, and is always the first in line when someone needs help. In fact, he walks his best friend home from school DAILY, just to make sure she gets there safely. We live in a very safe city, so this probably isn't necessary, but I LOVE the fact that his heart is so big that he wants to do it, anyway. I think his BFF appreciates it, too. Kyle is also very openly gay. Kyle came out to me a few years ago, while he was still in elementary school. We were watching a documentary about serial killers, and they made mention that killers like Gacy and Dahmer were closet homosexuals, and that their hidden orientation helped fuel their murderous rage. Kyle disappeared for a bit, and then he came downstairs and asked if he could talk to me. He was in tears, and said, "Mom, I think I might be gay." I know that for a lot of parents, this would feel like the end of the world. Or at least the end of the hopes they may have had for their child. People envision planning weddings, having grandbabies, and their kids leading a "normal" life. No one ever plans to have a gay child. I didn't plan on having a gay child. Before Kyle was born, I was a right-wing, super-conservative woman. I was married to the World's Biggest Redneck, so I had to go along with HIS beliefs. God forbid I had thoughts or opinions of my own. (No offense to you country folk out there...I LOVE the country life, and my definition of redneck does not include the vast majority of southern folks!) I believed that everything in the Bible HAD to be 100% right, and the idea of gay marriage didn't seem right to me. After all, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, right? Before I became a mother, I am ashamed to admit it, but I was a bigot. I was afraid of things that I didn't understand, therefore it was easier to condemn alternate lifestyles than to open my heart and mind to accept them. It was easier to think as I was told to think, and to believe all of the misguided stereotypes. Then, I gave birth to a 7lb 13oz baby boy. He instantly became my everything. My ex-husband was an abusive prick, so it was literally me and my son against the world. We were a team. His smile and laughter made my life worth living, and probably prevented me from attempting suicide on more than one occasion. When you feel trapped in an abusive relationship, this sometimes seems like the only way out. But looking at my sweet, blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy made the idea of suicide seem insane. He NEEDED me. And I needed HIM, in more ways than I knew at the time. My son taught me the meaning of unconditional love, and he also taught me how to be a stronger woman and break free of the abusive chokehold I had been in for years. Being Kyle's mom saved my life, both literally and figuratively. As Kyle grew, I noticed pretty quickly that he was "different". Rather than wanting to go hunting or fishing with his Dad, he wanted to try on my high heels and make-up. Instead of wanting to tinker around with vehicles, he wanted to design dresses. I think it's safe to say, I have known my son was gay since he was about 4 years old. And you know what? It has always been completely and totally okay with me. From the moment I realized I was the mother of a gay child, I was completely at peace with this, and it simply did not matter. After all, this was the same child who I rocked to sleep, whose boo-boo's I kissed better, and who I nursed through illness. This was my child. No matter who or what he would grow up to be, he would always be my baby, and that love is nothing short of unconditional. I knew Kyle was gay even before HE did. Having a gay child has changed my mind about a lot of things, and it has changed my heart, too. I am more tolerant, more accepting, and more gentle in general. I am passionate about everyone having the right to love and happiness, and I will be PROUD to give my son away to his future husband one day. So on that night, when Kyle came to me in tears, telling me he was gay.... My reply? "I know. Want to go watch the rest of the movie?" He suddenly stopped crying, and he smiled. He said, "You mean you don't hate me now? I think God made me wrong, and I just can't make myself change." This broke my heart. Literally. To see my beautiful, sweet child feel shame for something he didn't choose tore me apart inside. I told him that the God I know doesn't make mistakes, and that he is exactly who he's meant to be. I also told him that we would be there to love him and support him for who he is, and that we were not ashamed of him in the slightest. We have gone to great lengths to show our 100% support to our son. We left Virginia, in good part because the bullying was out of control and the schools didn't do anything to stop it. When we saw that Kyle was going through Hell every day and had become depressed, we moved to my hometown in Ohio to give him a fresh start. Thankfully, Kyle is not bullied here, and he has a ton of friends. He is like a totally new kid, in the best way possible. Mostly, he is able to freely be himself, without fear of being beaten up or tormented. I have always been Kyle's biggest cheerleader, and I always will be. The fact that he's gay is just a part of who he is, like his gorgeous blue eyes or his amazing artistic ability. Being gay is part of my son, but it doesn't define him. His worth has nothing to do with his sexuality. His worth comes from being the kind, compassionate, empathetic kid that he is. He will be an amazing man soon, and we couldn't be any more proud. I guess the reason I am telling out "Coming Out" story is because I wanted to address the fact that before having a gay child of my own, I was very closed-minded. Never in a million years would I have thought my child would be gay. I would have never supported Marriage Equality and equal rights for LGBT people. Never. I had been taught, incorrectly, that these things were dirty and sinful. And while I hate to admit it, these things came out of my mouth on many occasions. I am ashamed that I was ever so ignorant. But the fact is, my son is gay. Kyle is gay, and he is fabulous, just the way he is. If someone had a magic wand and could magically make Kyle straight? Well, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want to change the amazing, wonderful person that he is. Being gay is part of who he is. Accepting and loving him has been the easiest thing in the world. As easy as breathing, in fact. Today, I fully support Marriage Equality. I support equal rights. I pray every single day that my son will be able to marry the man of his dreams one day, and that his marriage will be respected, honored, and LEGAL. My son deserves to have the same happiness that I do....All of our kids do...Gay? Straight? It doesn't matter. When it all comes down to it, we're all human beings, and we all deserve to be loved, in whatever form that happens to come. So please, before you utter words of hate or judgement, please keep in mind, your children hear you. They hear every single word. For a child who may be struggling with their own sense of worth due to their sexuality, these words can literally mean the difference between life and death. Just the other day here in Ohio, a Transgendered teen named Leelah Alcorn took her life, largely because her parents wouldn't accept her for who she is. This broke my heart. Please, please realize, the little child whose diaper you're changing...Whose boo-boo's you kiss better, and who you lovingly tuck into bed every night...Well, that child might be gay. Mine was. Don't be your child's first bully. Teach them love, tolerance, and acceptance from an early age. And most of all, love your kids for who they are. Not who you hoped they might be. No child should ever feel so ashamed of who they are that they end their own lives. Help me battle hate by choosing to love unconditionally. Being the mom of a gay teen changed my life. Actually, it saved my life. RIP Leelah, and all the other kids who didn't have the support they needed from family.
22 Comments
Cindy Pouncey
12/30/2014 06:13:30 am
From the mother of 2 wonderful gay sons, I really enjoyed this story. I wish more parents would support their children. The story of Leelah Alcorn broke my heart.
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:17:22 am
It broke my heart, too. And when I heard about Leelah, Kyle got a HUGE, unsolicited hug from me. Of course he looked at me like I am lame, and from another planet,lol...I just wish that no child should ever have to feel that they're somehow less of a human being because of who they are. Society needs to change. There shouldn't have to be any more Leelah's. :(
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Alison James
12/30/2014 06:39:58 am
What a wonderful story and what a cool kid you have! Love no matter how you spell it always comes back to love and there sure is a good deal of that in your home. There are so many beautiful kids out there that need our love and support and your a great example.
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:20:09 am
Thanks so much! I don't feel I am a *better* mom than any other moms out there. I have just chosen to love my child for exactly who he is. I am glad that this was something I was able to just accept...I know for some parents, it's not that easy. But when it all boils down to it, my son is still my son. I don't care if he's gay, straight, bi, trans...None of that matters. All I care about is that he's loved, happy, and treats other people well. I wish that more parents would open their eyes and see the pain these kids are feeling. These suicides can be prevented with love.
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Vickie Allbright
12/30/2014 06:56:19 am
this brought me to tears sometimes God teaches us in the most amazing ways i am a mom of 5 and i love each of them and they love me their gay mom who raised them single handed because i refused to stay married to their father for oh so many reasons and to not live a lie anymore i been with my partner almost 6 yrs now and i know she will be the one i am with when i take my last breath raisiing our children and enjoying grandbabies life is wonderful and peaceful when one doesnt have to hide or be afraid to love who you love .. thank you for sharing
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:21:56 am
Oh Vickie, I am SO glad you were able to find happiness! I bet your children are very proud. You sound like a strong, loving, and incredible woman! <3
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Christina Aliperti
12/30/2014 07:22:44 am
All I can say to this is that you are an awesome mom!
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:22:27 am
Thanks so much, Christina. I have a pretty awesome kid ;)
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Theresa H
12/30/2014 07:58:55 am
This was absolutely beautiful.
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:23:11 am
Thank you, Theresa. Happy New Year!
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Betsy Barnes
12/30/2014 08:33:05 am
What a beautiful and touching post! You and your wonderful son have touched my heart.
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:23:39 am
Thank you so much, Betsy! :)
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12/30/2014 10:51:28 am
God bless you, sweetie....you and your wonderful family! the world needs more of you!
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:24:31 am
Ahh, it's my psuedo-mom! Thanks so much, Jayedee! :) The world needs more of you, too!
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Kylene
12/30/2014 11:23:50 am
Wow...... This post is unbelievable. I am not close to anyone who fits the LGBT profile, but your story brought me to tears, especially the part about your son saying that God made him wrong. Your story is an inspiration for all, and a reality for all people who think that they are different in any way. Thank you for sharing your story, what an amazing loving mom you are and your son sounds like he inherited your big heart and is a wonderful man himself!
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:28:35 am
Thanks so much for your kind words, Kylene. It means a lot! Kyle is a wonderful kid, and I couldn't be more proud of him. Sadly, we've run into a lot of discrimination...We've been turned away from churches, and people have even refused to let their kids play at the "gay" house. (That was when we lived in VA.) It's heartbreaking....But I can't imagine how the kids feel who DON'T have support at home. For that reason, I felt it was time to "come out". It's no secret to those who know us, but I realized I don't really blog much about the fact that my son is gay. If this can help anyone, parent or child, I will be thrilled. Happy New Year!
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Janell Wagner
12/30/2014 02:44:43 pm
first off, you sound like a wonderful loving parent, something ever child deserves. I do have a question and please excuse my ignorance on the topic! But I do have a serious question. I didn't feel ANYTHING sexual about anyone, male, female etc until after puberty. From my extremely limited knowledge, I thought being "gay" etc was a Sexual orientation? If so I have always been confused when people talk about knowing they were gay from a very early age. I would truly like to understand better so am wondering if you could help me by explaining that a little more? Thanks so much!
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Nelson
12/30/2014 03:34:04 pm
Hi Janell,
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Jennifer Rogers
1/3/2015 09:27:03 pm
Brandy, I agree totally! I have 3 daughters with the youngest being Gay. I knew almost immediately at a very early age that she was different. She always played with the boys in the neighborhood, never wanted dolls or makeup or enjoyed any of the things that girls do. She always wanted to shop in the boys section for clothing. She loves hunting and fishing and taught several boys in her class how to skin a deer!LOL! I grew up with a step brother who was gay, so, I knew what I was seeing. Unfortunately I also grew up with the same type of bigotry as I live in Rural East Texas, Hick country. I am also a school teacher and teach at the High School she graduated from, our home town. For those that grew up with my youngest daughter it was obvious from elementary what her preferences were, but, she is soo pretty and laughs so girly it was confusing for some. She is very huge hearted and soo accepting of everyone and always has been. She "sees" things differently, she is so intelligent and literally sees the brain and heart of an individual and not the packaging, she thinks that is irrelevant! LOL! As a mom of this unique daughter and a teacher, I find her fascinating! It has been a joy watching her grow and be different. She will soon be graduating with her Bachelors of Science in Nursing form UT Arlington and I could not be more proud!
Angie S
12/30/2014 07:32:26 pm
Loved the story. Thanks for sharing
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Brandy
12/31/2014 05:29:12 am
Thanks so much, Angie! Happy New Year!
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Dayna
12/31/2014 05:10:37 pm
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "Don't be your child's first bully" because that's exactly what those parents are who do not support and stand up for who their children are. It's not like they had a choice of being gay or not. But we, as parents, DO have a choice in how we react & how we treat our children who come to us with such a huge piece of who they are!!
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